Monday, June 18, 2018

Sometimes it's grace I need

Today was such a long day. I feel lately as though I've been living my life at the top of my lungs with one of my children in particular. This child just does not seem to want to make it out of her childhood in one piece. Every single day some kind of catastrophe seems to take place- she pours water on the stairs, she opens the door and goes outside by herself to put out the trash, she cuts off all her dolls hair with my sharp cookware scissors, today she opened her sisters hair chalk and left a piece in the baby's bed which I did not find until she was sucking on it instead of her pacifier when I went to change her diaper. I called poison control, relieved that nothing had broken off in her mouth, to be sure nothing in it was toxic.
This daughter is nearly 5. My older daughter was a bit of a handful too and finally evened out after first grade. Now she's like the most darling daughter ever. This second one though, I just don't know about her. She's going to be a fun teenager I think- God help us!
Anyhow I was so spent tonight. J steered the kids upstairs and took care of the night routine with them as usual. Our oldest is up reading next to me as I type this. He had a hard day as well with one of his phobias and so he was feeling out of sorts for much of the day.
When J came down after putting all the girls to sleep I saw him fumbling through the songs on his playlist until he set it to play on the sound system. It was, "Tomorrow Will Be Kinder" from the Hunger Games soundtrack. He looked over at me and smiled beneath his mustache- you know the way Richard Farnsworth did on Anne of Green Gables. He always reminds me of him when he smiles at me like that with his eyes twinkling.

 I curled up into the sofa listening to the words of the song and just took a deep breath and smiled back. I deserved a spanking tonight for so many breeches- I knew it and so did he- but he gave me grace instead. And this time I truly am so grateful for that. I've said before how grace sometimes actually perpetuates the problem for me because it doesn't stop my spiral but honestly I don't think I could've taken a punishment tonight. He knows how much I've been dealing with here while he's gone.
I'm grateful to have a man who knows when I need to be held accountable and when it's truly grace I need. And I believe he's right- tomorrow will be kinder.

Black clouds are behind me, I now can see ahead
Often I wonder why I try hoping for an end
Sorrow weighs my shoulders down
And trouble haunts my mind
But I know the present will not last
And tomorrow will be kinder
Tomorrow will be kinder
It's true, I've seen it before
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
Today I've cried a many tear
And pain is in my heart
Around me lies a somber scene
I don't know where to start
But I feel warmth on my skin
The stars have all aligned
The wind has blown, but now I know
That tomorrow will be kinder
Tomorrow will be kinder
I know, I've seen it before
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder


Monday, June 11, 2018

The Reasons Why

I'm a little nervous to write today's post- I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm afraid it won't come out right. Maybe I'm afraid others won't understand. My thoughts have been so jumbled lately...
I've been in a reflective mood lately. Our 2- year anniversary of beginning our dynamic is coming up and we've been talking a lot about how things are going. After the last post I wrote, the one where I was reflecting on how things have changed since we began, we experienced a lull. What is a lull exactly? If DD is our lifestyle how can there be a lull?
I have come to view this in terms of where DD meets D/s.
You see DD is rather simple. In the beginning of our dynamic we made changes to our relationship that put my husband in the role of "leader" and I accepted that I would be subservient to him. I accepted that I would be responsible for obeying him and answering to him for my behaviors. A large part of the way we related as a couple changed. I learned to stop nagging him and criticizing him when I didn't like his choices. I learned that he has a deep need for respect from me, as big as my own need for love from him.
In that first year that we incorporated DD we faced some issues. The transition for us wasn't always smooth and I think there were a couple reasons why this was so. First of all I had never been a submissive wife at all. I don't mean submissive here in the context of a dynamic, I mean I did not cater to J at all- period. Even non- submissive wives were likely more serving to their husbands than I was. I'm not proud of that at all but in the interest of honesty, that's just how it was. There are many reasons why that was so and I'm not going to get into all of that. I knew deep down though that I wasn't fulfilled that way. From the earlier days before we were married I remember vividly walking down a back-woods path hand in hand with him and wishing in total confusion of why that I could be submissive to him when I was his wife. The longing for that was great and I didn't understand it. At that point in my life the thought of surrendering to a man was sickening- for reasons that had much to do with my past.
So as I was saying, the first year in with DD was a bit of a roller coaster ride for us. We were doing well relationally for the most part- we were much closer than we had been, our relationship was healing and deepening in many areas, the sex was frequent and mind- blowing. The downside was that DD was so new and so exciting as we embraced and fleshed out our new roles, ever word, every contact, every action in the name of our new roles was tantalizing and I'm not talking anything about the spanking. But there was another side to my fascination with this new role I was living within. I wanted to know that he was for real in his new role. I tested him often to see if his commitment was as sure as my own. And to put it bluntly- he didn't appreciate that!
He proved to me he would for sure paddle me and there were many times that I'd be flying out of position as the encounters with that weapon of ass destruction met my virgin ass before he'd made his impression on me. Once he did though and I lived in the knowledge that he was for real and wouldn't back down I was able to relax and the rest unfolded from there. I began to do better. I trusted the process. We found success and happiness in our relationship that continued to grow and strengthen.
Within the second year though something happened to me. I began to sway and question whether DD alone was enough for me. Many of you here in blogland have different dynamics than ours. Some of you are Master/ slave, some are more heavily into D/s, some of you come from a faith- based background and others are neutral in your beliefs. Please understand that I am not here to judge anyone or spout off a one way theory or anything. All I want right now is to get it all out and be honest about what I've discovered because it has been on my mind so much lately.
I was upset with J a couple weeks ago and it was so hard to put my finger on why. But I was seriously giving him an attitude every opportunity I got. Yes, I got spanked for it- a few times. And then finally one night we decided to sit down and have a talk. I met him down in "the dungeon" and he sat in his recliner as I sat in my chair across from him. Flashbacks of having "chats" with my father back in the day began to fill my head and for the first time in a long time I was nervous in front of my husband. I felt small and child-like and vulnerable. The only thing I wanted in the world at that moment was to be pleasing to him as a wife. We talked about what we were experiencing- all the confusion I was having and how I was feeling neglected from him. He'd been under a lot of pressure lately with work and both of us with our family responsibilities that we'd sort of neglected "us". As we talked and he heard and validated me we worked together to get down to the bottom line about why we were feeling so out of sync with each other. Part of the reason, we discovered, was because I was pushing to become something we are just not.
You see, I so admire so many of your dynamics out there. I think the dynamics that are more eroticised are beautiful. As I've come out and began blogging in order to process our lifestyle and journal about it I've also reached out to get to know others and through that searching I've found some who practice more like me and J do and some who practice differently and I find it all beautiful in it's own right- truly.
However, if I am honest with myself, the reasons that many of you have embraced your dynamics just isn't the same reason for me and J. We embraced DD as a way of life. Now if I'm ever going to be honest it is here so I may lose some of you by what I am about to say so I want to reiterate that I am not trying to judge anyone but I only say what I do because it is what I believe to be right. We believe the husband is meant to be the head of the wife. We just do. The very makeup of a man's physic testifies to this. This means that we believe men are meant to lead their families and have the final say and authority in the home. We don't believe this simply because we are christian, although we are, but there are many reasons that I could go into but I'll spare you. That being said, we would believe and live under those convictions even if we weren't christian because it's what we believe to be right. We don't believe that a husband is mandated to discipline their wife for wayward behavior however. This is something we do because it works for us and because we practice this within loving, safe, and healthy limits, we do not believe it is wrong. We won't go around and discuss it with just anyone but that is not because we feel it is wrong but private, much like our sex life. However, if asked, I don't think we'd cover it up either. It is the way we conduct our home and it works well for us and keeps harmony flowing in our home.
I have found however that by trying to push the envelope and try to be like other couples and embrace other types of dynamics that don't fit us so well that it had caused a lull because we were feeling pressured to be someone that we are not. To be honest, J and I have a mild D/s flavor to our dynamic- I love to kneel before him, he loves to grab and twist my hair and smack my bottom playfully, I love to call him Sir and Daddy, he loves to call me kiddo and babygirl- but those are just light displays. We have even talked about collaring- not because I am his slave and he my Master but simply to symbolize that I have chosen to be submissive to him as a wife- something to symbolize our new covenant as our wedding rings symbolize our first covenant.
So after we talked it all out I think my head finally felt cleared. I felt joy in my submission again without all the pressure I felt inside to be someone I'm not and "expect" the same of J. If there is any one most accurate way to describe our relationship I suppose it would be Patriarchal or "male- led." And while this might ruffle the feathers of some I just can't worry about that. We are more fulfilled than we have ever been. And that to me is beautiful.


Sunday, June 3, 2018

Spotlight Sunday: Interview with Anton Fulmen

I had the pleasure recently of interviewing author, Anton Fulmen, after reading his book entitled," The Heart of Dominance."

This book was so well- written and thoroughly addressed  many of the issues that we face as practitioners of kink in whatever form it may be. I was honored to have the opportunity to talk with Anton and greatly appreciate his willingness to answer my questions.
Below is the interview that I had with Anton. I would appreciate if readers here would greet him and leave any questions or comments below.

One of the things you say in your book is that dominance is something that anyone can learn. Would you say some more on that line of thinking?
The idea that there is such a thing as “a dominant” (or “a submissive”), and that you either are one or
you aren’t, is terribly counterproductive. Dominance isn’t a thing you are; it’s a thing you do. And
anyone who wants to do it can do it.
There are many different aspects to being good at dominance, and different styles of dominance that
emphasize different skills. Being decisive helps for many kinds of dominance. Being a good planner is essential for some kinds of dominance and not important for others. Having a good handle on your own emotions is important for all of them. Some people will find that some of those aspects of dominance come easily to them. Some will have to work harder to develop the skills they need to be good at the kinds of dominance they want to practice.
But you can learn any of them. Being decisive, for example, isn’t a fixed personality trait that you can
never change. It comes from confidence that you can make good choices, belief that you have the
authority to decide, and acceptance of the risk of being wrong. You can grow your confidence and get
comfortable with failure by taking on challenges just at the edge of your competence. Start with little
things and build up. You can strengthen belief in your authority by putting yourself into leadership
positions. Volunteer organizations always need people to step up to lead; pick a cause you believe in and go make a difference.

Another piece in your book that spoke to me was the idea that to dominate is not to force submission but to create the opportunity for submission. Would you expand on that concept.
I’m not paying the people who submit to me. They aren’t going to go to jail if they don’t obey me.
There’s no external reason why they should do what I tell them to. They do it because they want to, and that’s one of the essential mysteries at the heart of power exchange.
I beat someone with a cane and have them feel grateful for the privilege of being beaten, even though
they hate being beaten with canes. Because they love being under control, or pleasing me, or one of the other shades of submissive motivation. So long as I can connect with and elicit that submissive
motivation, I can call the shots and use them for my pleasure and both of us will feel great about it.
Many of us get super turned on by fantasy roleplay themes of being forced to submit. We like to forget that submission is really something that we want for ourselves and get to feel like what we want doesn’t matter. But if we totally forget that submission is an opportunity to be grateful for, it tends to crash the dynamic. Because there really is nothing else holding it up!

You talk about personal and interpersonal competence. How can a dominant that lacks these skills better develop these characteristics?
There are a lot of paths both to self-mastery and to connecting well with others, and I’m pretty sure that no one has a perfect and complete technique for mastering either one. For personal competence you could try meditation or reading philosophy or martial arts or therapy or self-awareness programs like the Human Awareness Institute. For interpersonal competence you can learn Nonviolent
Communication, join Toastmasters, read Dr. Gottman’s intimate communication books or work with a couples counselor.
I think that often the most important things are simply recognizing that you have something to learn and then putting effort and attention into improving. Which program you follow doesn’t matter so much as that you’re trying.

I think one of the things most D/s practitioners complain about is experiencing a lull in their dynamic.
What are some ways that a Dominant can track their submissive’s progress over time in order to remain connected?
Tracking some kind of progress is one way to keep your attention on your dynamic, but over the long
term I think that lulls are natural and healthy things. If you’re attached to always making progress--in
whatever way--and treat “backsliding” like a failure, that’s likely to lead to burnout. It’s sexy to imagine the dominating partner’s control getting constantly tighter and tighter over time. More rules, stricter discipline, deeper and more profound sacrifices and closer management--all super hot! But we’re all human and sometimes we need to relax, or focus on something else.
If you’ve been working on increasing the protocol in a dynamic, and tracking progress in terms of how many rules of speech and behavior you’ve created and learned and made into habits, and trying to have fewer and fewer slip-ups every month, that’s great. But accept that eventually there’s probably going to come a time when one or both partners feel a need to loosen that protocol or set it aside for a while.
Maybe because some other stressful or important thing is happening in their life, or maybe just because they’re burned out. If you treat that like it’s the end of the world it’s going to be traumatic and hard to recover from. If you can let the lull happen and let it be okay, you can get back into the dynamic afterward with less hurt feelings.

You talk about using rituals or tokens if a Dom and sub are separated for a time. Would you say a bit about that?
I can give you some examples.
The submitting partner can have a ritual “good morning” message that they are required to send as the
first thing they do when they get up in the morning. Could be by text message or a phone call or
whatever. It starts each day off with a little opportunity to obey and a reminder of the dynamic, and
sending a text message is a very small burden in terms of time and energy, so it isn’t likely to turn into a bothersome chore. It also gives the dominating partner an opportunity to respond, showing that they’re invested and paying attention as well.
The submitting partner could carry a little padlock on their keychain, and the dominating partner carry its key. Both would have a reminder of their dynamic every time they reached for their keys.
The idea is to keep your power exchange an active presence in your life.

Many of the people I associate with are married couples with children who practice DD and D/s
dynamics. What are some ways we can protect ourselves from “outing?”
That’s such a big question! There are different risks of outing depending on what you’re doing in your kinky life, and different things that you could do to protect yourself against different risks. With kids, I think the most general suggestion I can give is to assume that they will get into absolutely everything.
They’re going to open that box that’s buried at the bottom of your closet sometime when they’re trying to find where you hid the birthday presents. They’re going to look into every single folder on any computer they have access to. So if there are things you don’t want them to find, lock those things up. And use a separate computer that they don’t have a login for.
Also, work out with your partner how you’re going to handle it if your kids do ask questions, or if you get outed to/by someone else. Having a plan and a coordinated response can help a lot if it does happen.

A quote from your book reads, “For some power-kinked people D/s is a necessary component of
love.” Would you explain what you mean by this?
You know the idea of “love languages”? To oversimplify it, for some people love means exchanging gifts, and if they’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give gifts or want gifts then they don’t really feel like the love is there. Other people feel love through physical touch, and without a lot of touching a relationship won’t feel loving to them. Etcetera.
For some of us, power is our love language. Someone can say they love us all day long, but the way we really know they love us is when they care enough to want to control us--or when they’re devoted
enough to obey us. We express our love through strictness or discipline or eager service.
There are others among us who are just as passionate about power exchange but who separate power
relationships from love relationships. Perhaps they prefer to be controlled by someone who truly sees
them only as a servant or a sex toy. Or when they love someone they don’t want to be cruel or
controlling toward that person.
You’ll see this difference crop up all the time in discussions of “Should a dominant love their
submissive?” Some people will be dead set against the idea and argue that it isn’t possible to maintain
strict control over someone who you love. Others will be perplexed by the suggestion that it’s possible to dominate someone and not love them.

Thank you Anton for taking the time to answer my questions! It was wonderful to talk with you!
To purchase Anton's book, please go to ...



Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Quick Announcement

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to jump on here real quick and let readers of my blog know that I plan to start something new on my page. Each first Sunday of every month I am starting something called, "Spotlight Sunday"
in which my goal is to interview some type of lifestyler within the many variations of kink. Whether that be an author, a blogger, a fiction writer, a vlogger- any one that I have found inspirational for whatever reason, I would like to host them for Spotlight Sunday.

My hope is that, while I will most definitely enjoy my time getting to know these individuals, you all will enjoy it as well and come with your greetings, comments, and questions.

So this coming Sunday, June 3rd, I will host my first interviewee, author Anton Fulmen. For those of you that may not know he is a lifestyler, mostly Dominant but also has experience in the submissive role as well. He has authored a book called, "The Heart of Dominance,"
which I have read recently and found very informative. I hope you will join me in welcoming him here on my blog on Sunday!



Monday, May 21, 2018

PK Corey has a new book out!!!

It was a blindfold, a simple blindfold, yet it seemed to change the whole atmosphere of the room.

If any of the guys found out about this, there would be an ass warming of epic proportions.

Being married to an alpha male had its perks, but having your ass in constant danger of being spanked was a drawback. She’d been the picture of defiance, but it didn’t last long with a hard hand on her ass.

Cal’s young wife, Jenny, just wants to play house with her gorgeous, dominant husband, Sheriff Cal Bennett of Beaufort County. Cal wants her to complete one more year of college before choosing a path.  Although Jenny is tired of school, she bends to her husband’s wishes and goes off to classes in a nearby city.  On their precious days together, Cal educates his beautiful girl to the idea of sexual fantasies and bedroom toys, and here, Jenny is an eager student!
Jenny finds herself being stalked by a mysterious police officer who views every move she makes as criminal. Everyone she cares about knows that what ensues is not Jenny’s doing, but she can’t keep herself from giving in to some sweet revenge. Her plan starts out as a silly college girl prank, but soon lands her on the wrong side of Cal’s law. 

PK Corey author page

Here's an excerpt...

Cal loved that Jenny was honest with him, even when she knew it would get her in trouble. His mind flashed back to a time she had lied to him early in their relationship and the spanking had been significant. He’d used that incident to try to convince her that spanking could alter behavior. She’d disagreed with him, ‘It wasn’t the spanking that keeps me from lying to you–it was the fact that I felt like shit until I finally told you the truth. It wasn’t worth it,’ she’d insisted. And Cal had realized that her explanation him feel even better.
Cal brought his mind back to the present. He couldn’t ignore her being at a party where people were smoking. Because of his job, this was serious. It was why he’d made the rule. “You know you’re getting a spanking, don’t you?”
 “Duh! I knew that about ten seconds into your phone call this morning. Can we just get it over with?”
Cal nodded and took her hand. He led her to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. Jenny stood before him. She could tell Cal wasn’t really mad. He just felt that there had to be a follow through. Her butterflies were more from a chance to be alone with her husband than from worrying about any spanking. She stood still as Cal lowered her shorts and panties.
Positioning her over his lap, he repeated his rule, “I don’t mind you going to the occasional party, you just have to leave if drugs come out. And I mean from pot to coke, anything.”
“I never go to any parties with anything worse than pot, and you know that,” Jenny told him emphatically.
“Good,” Cal responded as he positioned her across his lap. Jenny was grateful he was only using his hand and that he began with moderate swats. Her gratitude waned as his hand fell harder and faster.
“Shit, Cal. Not so hard!” she demanded.
The next two swats were harder still and landed on her thighs. “Son of a bitch! Stop,” Jenny shouted.
Cal paused to make sure Jenny could hear him. “You keep up the cussing and this could last a while. You made the decision to break the rules, you take the consequences. And I’m telling you, cussing during a spanking is never going to be a good idea.”

Meet PK Corey

After spending thirty-six years in two careers I liked just fine, I’ve finally found my dream career as a writer. I’ve been happily married for thirty-five years and my sweet husband has gotten used to the unique experience of living with a writer. He is very encouraging and an excellent editor when he’s pressed into service. 
 I’ve been intrigued by spanking stories since before I first saw Ricky spank Lucy. Stories of this nature were hard to come by before the Internet and the ones I found were a little harsh on discipline and very much lacking in love. So, I made up my own stories and enjoyed these in my head for years. I finally began writing them down. Although the lovely women in my stories are spanked often, the love between them and their men takes top priority.
 My Cassie’s Space series shows a mature couple who are deeply in love. Despite loving Cassie’s free-spirited ways, Tom is determined to keep her safe, even if it takes a trip over his knee. And with her friend Sue by her side and all they get into, a trip over his knee is very likely. My new series, Cal’s Law, is about a younger couple. Though they come from very different backgrounds, love and discipline draw them together.

I love my husband, my kids, my cats, reading, writing and hearing from my readers. You can contact me at

Other books by PK Corey:

Cassie’s Space Series
Cassie's Space (book one)   
Cassie's Tale (book two)                       
Cassie on the Move (book three)          
Cassie's River Living (book four)        
Cassie's Conflict (book five)
Cassie's Influence (book six)
Cassie's Ordeal (book seven)
Cassie Corralled (book eight)
Cassie's Road Trip (book nine)
Cassie's Life (book ten)

    Cal's Law Series
Cal's Law (book one)
Becoming Family (book two)

PK Corey’s Reading Room




Amazon Author Page

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Never Let Me Hide (Jlynne)

Your influence reaches far into my anonymity,
You know me in ways others never will,
Where my walls are up, you sneak inside,
Hold me close to you,
Never let me hide.

You put your own walls around my life and guard me.
I am safe within the structure you provide.
You hold my walls in place to the outside,
But from you-
you never let me hide.

You are my womb, my chrysalis,
You are my safe place to fall,
Apart from you I  lose myself.
I hide until you hold me again.

Some days I feel the strength to carry on,
Other days I need you more.
Whichever I am you are faithful to me,
You build my confidence when I am in your arms.

These boundaries have become my freedom,
I am learning to safetly live inside,
When I barrel ahead you pull me back to safety,
Reestablish me,
Never let me hide. 

Sunday, April 29, 2018

A Morning Reflection

I'm sitting here now in my living room with the window open, listening to the birds chirping away in the tree outside. It is so peaceful and lovely. I have my extra large mug with the fairies on it that J bought me and it's full of black coffee and a couple of my kids are up and around the house quietly. The baby sleeps, her first night of sleeping without waking at all and I feel rested and energised. I've had my quiet time with my book and now I sit and meditate on things while I drink my coffee and get ready to start my day.

J and I have been practicing our dynamic now for almost 2 years and as we get closer to our D/s anniversary (July 8) I find myself pondering more. Things between us are much different than they were when we first began all this. We are closer and stronger as a couple now then we were years ago and we are equally growing in our respective roles. We have many more periods of harmony then discord these days as we've grown in tune with each other.

I think back to how things have changed since we embraced this journey together. That first year in was a period of confession and change for us. I brought my desires to him. I wanted to learn to submit to him and I wanted him to lead me. I didn't want to rely on myself anymore. He agreed to embrace this with me but it was for my need more then his own.
The second year he began to notice how this dynamic fulfilled needs that he has as well. He 'needs' to lead, he 'needs' to provide for and protect his family. He needs to be the man in his home. The Dominant that we now see was in him all along came out like never before as he began to own his role. It is no longer for my need alone. I can't even begin to put into words how that feels. Maybe a post for another day...

We do still face challenges although they have changed significantly over time. In the beginning as we were starting out and still learning the 'how to' of our roles I think the struggle was just in taking it seriously. There were the broken rules just to see what he would do... Would he punish me? There were the nervous chuckles before a spanking (the tears came later). Sometimes there was anger. How could she have done that again. Does she even take me seriously? There were arguments at times. You're not Doming me right! Well you're not submitting right!
It sounds so 'newlywed' now that I think about it. We don't face those same challenges now.

The biggest challenge I find lately is that there are times when I don't 'feel' submissive. I'm not even sure what causes these ruts- well that's not altogether true. They do seem to occur mostly when I am hormonal or stressed for whatever reason. Before I always wanted to be submissive, I just wasn't that good at it. Now I am his submissive. I've grown comfortable and well- I even take it for granted sometimes. I get so comfortable that I want to take a break from it all- like a short vacation so I can 'do what I want without having to listen to him.' Like a kid eating candy for dinner- not healthy but I just wanna not have to listen once in a while.  I know it's there now and it isn't going to go away. We get each other. I am secure in us. Ultimately, this challenge speaks to the security we have cultivated within our roles and it is a good sign.

You see, we've gotten so acquainted with our roles that I think they have just become who we are. We are comfortable in them now. They are no longer what we do but who we are within our relationship. J's pleasure with me has become much more important to me then what anyone else thinks of me. My family is much more important to me then any circle of friends- though I do care for others. My identity is in my family and my home now.  If I've made him proud then I'm doing my duty as his submissive and I know I'm also being true to myself because he is proud of me when I am true to myself and I put what matters first- my family.

Similarly as I struggle at times with the submissiveness "vaca" I feel there are times when J kind of takes a backseat to Dominating. This seems to happen when I've had a long good streak as his submissive. I haven't challenged his authority in any way. I haven't broken any major rules. Being my Dom is fun and easy and we are experiencing harmony. He still Doms me but the ways he does so are hot and sexy and we flirt, giggle, and tease each other often.
It's times like this I see the human side of J and not just "my Dom". He is my friend and lover and my Dominant all rolled into one.
These moments are what we strive for, that long stretch of harmony and being in sync with each other, however we have found that Dominance must always be just behind it ready to take over from 0 to 60 because eventually something will come up to challenge our blissful streak.
When the need for his Dominance is caused by my insubordination sometimes he grants me grace if I've done well lately.  He doesn't want to be harsh with me. At the time I tend to feel grateful for his grace although I would accept the consequence for my actions if that is what he chose. We carry on and I try to do better but there's a catch to being given grace- sometimes, although I don't mean to take advantage- I find myself spiral and continue in my negative pattern until we're back where we started and I'm facing a consequence once again. He is concerned for me and I am frustrated and feel like a failure as a submissive. After all you can't lead someone who won't follow. My continuous blunders in the moment cause me to feel like I just can't get it right. I feel like a failure because I am unable to give my husband the gift of my submission . It is not his job to make me submit to him- it is only his job to encourage it and lead me appropriately. I have to chose to actually follow him - and I am not doing my part.
At this point I realize the punishment he withheld would actually have been a a grace because it would have helped to set me back on the right course. When he punishes me he means business. It hurts and brings me to tears when most severe and I don't enjoy it- but it helps me. He is not angry, it is all done calmly and in love and I receive it with acceptance and not hesitation or defiance.
It took some time for him to understand that it is more loving to "help me" reset myself in those moments then to let me carry on a loose canon.

Seeing how we've grown excites me. I think on where we will be another year from now- what we will have mastered, what new discoveries we will make, what new challenges we will face. I see where we were, where we are, and where we are going.

I am excited for our anniversary- J has arranged for us to go away for that weekend- and we have some things planned.

Well, I have 4 minutes before I need to meet J for our morning check in so it's time to end this post and finish the remaining coffee in my cup. I hope you all have a great day and will be visiting around blogland soon. Time to go see my man!