Sunday, June 25, 2017

Why We do This Thing We Do

This happened a few mornings ago and it took me a couple days to really feel as if I had processed through it, and then a couple more to get to the place that I felt ready to write about it. But because writing helps me to process and learn from what has happened I decided to share here.
On this particular morning it was time for our check in. I go up to J every morning at 6:00 so we can go through our routine.
When I get upstairs he is sitting in my desk chair waiting for me and I kneel in front of him. He checks the tasks I have on my phone and goes over any rules I need reminding of that day and then he reads a passage from a couples devotional that he chose for us. After this he says a blessing over us and our family and we go downstairs to prepare breakfast.
 Well, on this particular morning things started out as usual. I knelt in front of him and he greeted me affectionately. During the time that he checks my tasks and reinforces his expectations he shared a matter with me that had to do with our finances and so I thought it appropriate to ask permission about a financial purpose I was interested in. Well, long story short he ended up denying my request and it bothered me. I shared my reasons for my interest in the matter but he did not agree with my thought process (for good reason but at the time I just felt offended).
I felt as though what mattered to me meant little to him.
As I knelt in front of him then, I could feel myself beginning to pout. This was met with his obvious disapproval and it would have been in my favor if it had stopped then and there but I was hurting and what do I do when I'm hurting?
 I express myself... and not always in the most respectful manner.
 Now before you think that I lost it and turned into an all out brat, I did not. Over this past year of embracing this lifestyle with him, I rarely do that anymore. I did, however, express several complaints I had about feeling that he did not give my desires enough attention. My tone slipped, my eyes grew hard, and right there on my knees and all I said, "Just go ahead and read your devotional"... then realizing how I sounded added, "If you're going to."
He looked at me, took my chin in his hand and replied something along the lines of, "You're not going to let us move past this are you? This is wasting my time."
Well I had been on the brink of tears and this put me over the edge. I began to cry and stood up to end our check in- another overstepping of his authority.
 He scolded angrily, turned me around and gave me a sharp swat before turning to leave the room. I broke into sobs on our bed.

Something I should explain is that J has stepped back from using physical discipline as I have advanced in our pregnancy. Towards the second trimester I began to experience much discomfort and he didn't want to cause me any more. In fact the last serious spanking he gave me was in February and for a rather serious matter. There were a couple of mild discipline sessions since then but nothing major and then the physical discipline took a halt altogether. I don't get punished often anymore but when he feels I need correction as of late he has resorted to mostly scolding, giving me bedroom time alone, or taking my phone away for a period of time. So to have him spank me- even if just one swat- hurt. But it hurt even more because I knew how upset with me he was. I was also ashamed of how I had behaved with him.
He came up to check on me before leaving for work (about 15 minutes later) and I was still sobbing. He pulled away the pillow I was clutching and said a few more things to me before leaving. I cried  a bit more after he left and then pulled myself together to tend to our children who needed me downstairs.
I'd like to say that the issue stopped there. I'd like to tell you that I got my head together and submitted the way I should. But I didn't. Twice he called me during the day to check on me. I ignored his calls.
Later that evening when he returned home from work he went to take me in his arms and I just walked away.
He pressed me to talk with him and when we had more time to talk, explained his reasons for denying my request from that morning. It had not been because he didn't care about the things that matter to me. It had been for a concern for my best interest, and though I may see it differently I cannot deny that his decision came from a loving place.
And this is the heart of submission- learning to trust the one who leads you and follow their lead even when it goes against your own desires. To trust that he's got my best at heart and hold steadfast to that knowledge, giving up my need to have my own way.
He said to me that night, "You know you deserved more of a spanking than you got." He was right.
I'm grateful for the "no's" when I know it's because he is looking out for my good.
I had a friend say to me once, "You wouldn't want a man who would bend to your every request." She was right!
I would much rather be told "no" than be allowed to persuade my husband to let me have something that would be harmful because I hadn't thought things through.
It wasn't until the following day that I had processed enough to say it, but I told him that I was sorry for behaving the way I had. I thanked him for taking the time to try and help me understand his point of view.
As we grow in our dynamic I learn more fully what it means to submit, as he learns how to decipher the best way to lead me. When we both embrace our roles well we experience harmony. We experience love and the ties of unity and commitment. He leads and I submit to his leadership. And when I have trouble remaining faithful to my role, he helps me with his discipline to keep me in the head space I need to be in. He reminds me why we do what we do. He makes sense of all my puzzle pieces and I am his again as I resubmit myself to him. And that is why this works. That is what is at the heart of all this, this thing we do.

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