Tuesday, July 4, 2017

The Last Serious Spanking (Part 1)

He called me to him....

 I had made a very serious error that did not result as a matter of ignorance or mistake, but of procrastination. I had not taken a duty that I had seriously and it almost had a very negative affect on our family. We had caught it the day before, Valentines Day, and had to cancel some plans in order to fix the situation.

 I felt terrible....

Because it took well into the evening to correct the problem, J said I would be punished the following night. So after our children were asleep he took me downstairs to our basement. I hate when he punishes me there. It feels like a dungeon.

He had me bend over the couch. I hate this too. I much prefer to be held by him when he punishes me. Being close to him relieves some of the anxiety I feel about what is happening.

After he bared me he paddled me, harder and longer then he ever has and I muffled my cries into the couch. Every stroke hurt horribly and it seemed like an eternity before he was finished.

When he put the paddle down he sat and held me on his lap and I cried into his chest.
I don't remember if he had tears in his eyes, as sometimes he does after a harsh disciplinary session, but I do remember what he said to me....

 He told me he knew I messed up but I'd been doing so well and he was proud that I was his wife. Although he had to punish me so harshly for the severity of what I had done, he loved me.
I looked at him in tears. He felt this for me after I had messed up so badly and been so irresponsible?

I felt horrible. ...

I would make it up to my family. I would never be irresponsible again.
I never wanted to forget the fear I felt over that mistake- how things could have turned out if we hadn't caught it as we did. I never wanted to forget the pain of that spanking which literally lingered over the next few days.

I felt depressed for days after- something I had never experienced after a punishment before. But I couldn't seem to shake it. I wasn't depressed because my husband had punished me but because of the severity of my error. It took some time before I felt right again.

 I talked with some other women in the lifestyle about how I was feeling. They were understanding and encouraged me to share my feelings with J.

So I did....

We began to question if this dynamic was the right choice for us. Were our disciplinary practices the reason I was feeling so blue? I was hurting so deeply that I couldn't put my finger on what I was experiencing. I was so confused and unsure, struggling with so many different feelings and emotions that we put our practices on hold for the time being.

I never felt so lost and alone as I did then....

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