... I pulled away from women in the lifestyle. I pulled away from J because the changes we were going through hurt too much. I tried to find strength and peace through prayer but I was losing myself, losing J, losing our connection...
When I went up to J in the mornings, I met him in tears. We were no longer relating to each other as Dominant and submissive and just the act of sitting by his side instead of kneeling in respect was enough to break my heart...
He assured me he was still my leader and that his expectations of me were still there, but without the structure of our dynamic it wasn't the same.
I questioned myself... why did I need this so much? What was it about this lifestyle that brought me so much security?
People that don't understand this lifestyle often view it as being about a fetish, a bedroom thing, or at worst a way for a husband to control his wife and justify something abusive. It's hard to defend a way of life that you love and need when you can't put your finger on why you need it, where the need comes from, what draws you to it...
I reread through blogs trying to figure out and explain to myself why I needed this, why the boundaries and practices of this lifestyle brought me peace and security.
I knew it was not about spanking. If that was my sole motivation for wanting this, bedroom play would have been enough. No, I needed the security of the boundaries. I needed the boundaries backed up by my husbands mutually consensual right to discipline so that the boundaries would be real to me. Up until this point in my life I'd lived a life of inconsistency, lose boundaries, and unmet goals. It was not that I had no willpower but that once the will to meet expectations waned, I lost the draw I needed to keep pushing forward. When J took over for me and became that expectation for me: to show him respect when I didn't feel like it, to be calm and patient when I was frazzled, to not overspend as a means of self- therapy, to not succumb to an eating disorder in my moments of anxiety or weakness, to not make unhealthy choices in those same moments like smoking cigarettes or taking a drink too many, and the list goes on... I blossomed. I had confidence and I experienced personal success in my life.
Yes, spanking was involved and I consented to it, but it was not looked forward to when it was in the context of discipline.
Did it attract me to J?
Well, yes. Any alpha display attracts me to him. The more masculine and hard he is, the more feminine and soft I become. While I like his gruffness, bossiness, and the way he takes charge of me I don't like knowing I've disappointed him. I don't enjoy the emotional or physical pain of being disciplined.
Now that I understood myself, I had to hope J would understand me. I feared that even God would turn his face from me for not being the kind of Christian woman I should be.
I prayed and asked God to accept me as I was, to not turn his face away from me for being like this, with these needs.
J was afraid he had hurt me and that the practices we had might have been wrong. Was that why I had been so down? But now that we had stopped our practices, I was still down. Why?
I went to him and did my best to explain my self- discovery to him. As time goes on more pieces of that self- discovery puzzle seem to find their place. Honestly, it took him a while to re- entertain the idea of beginning again... and on top of it he had a lot on his plate. He began working well into the evenings to support our family as I had taken an early maternity leave because of the physical pain I was having in the pregnancy.
I experienced strong anxiety as a result of his being gone so much and began having panic attacks. It wasn't until this point that J really began to understand the part that his dominance and leadership played in our marriage. Soon after he reinstated our dynamic but shortly after that he no longer allowed for me to bring his coffee to him in the morning or kneel because of the physical discomfort I was in. This was hard for me as I stated before. Now that I had our lifestyle back I wanted all of it. I needed to express my submission to him in the ways that were meaningful to me.
Anyhow, I obeyed him, happy that at least things were returning to normal for us. And in time he agreed to let me continue in these practices once again when I expressed the need to in spite of the discomfort.
As far as spanking goes, a couple of mild disciplinary sessions occurred for insubordination as we worked out the kinks involved in restarting our dynamic where we had left off and J very carefully spanked me once with his belt and once with his hand. Soon after this though he decided the spanking had to stop for the time being as a precaution for the pregnancy and because I was increasingly uncomfortable as it progressed.
During this time J was also given an advancement with another company and was able to cut back on his hours so that I would have the physical and emotional support that I needed at home. So things began looking up for our family and for us as a couple.
Going through this together has been a major learning experience. I feel that we have come to know and understand each other better and have been given tangible proof for our marriage as to why this works for us. I no longer question if it is right. If it isn't then I guess we'll just have to be wrong. But how can something wrong cause so much good...?
How can it promote so much security and internal peace?
I would never go back. I would never question again. I embrace myself and all my socially unacceptable needs with an open heart and an open understanding. And what's best is, J does too and he has found some of his own needs met through these practices as well...
The need to be respected unconditionally, the need to have a voice and a prominent position as leader in our family, the right to exercise his masculinity, and a closeness within our marriage that didn't exist before all this.
As I've stated before, this dynamic did not save our marriage, but it did draw us closer and make us a stronger couple. So if this is wrong, I just don't know...
Something wrong has never ever felt so right.