Happy Sunday! It's been a while since I've posted because we've had our baby! She is a darling little 3 week old that is just precious and so I've taken time away from the blog as we've been adjusting to the change.
So much has happened since I last posted and I've been eager to get back to my blogging and writing in general.
My posts thus far have mostly been reflective in nature, going over the last year which was our first year practicing DD/ Ds in our marriage. We are getting back in the swing of things now that the pregnancy is past and I've mostly recovered from my c- section. I can't say it's been easy jumping back into our practices since many of the things we incorporated have been put on hold for the past few months but we are getting there.
After the first couple weeks of recovery both J and I were eager to reconnect within our dynamic and we talked about doing something we haven't done before. We decided to reinstate our practices again through Role Affirmation.
So, I know many couples do this and find that it is helpful for them. Some do this on a regular basis and others do this as needed. For us it has never been something that we gravitated towards. However, since we've been out of practice for some time as far as the full practice of our dynamic goes, we felt that a good role affirmation session was necessary. The purpose for us being to reinstate the fullness of the expectations that we had established in the beginning and to reinstate my husbands authority.
Now to explain, we still lived by the rules established when we first began practicing this lifestyle. However because the pregnancy caused us to have to adjust to different expectations and different ways of enforcing expectations, there wasn't always the same attention given to our dynamic as there had been before. We were very active in our roles based dynamic, but the DD part of our dynamic was modified so much to accommodate both emotional and physical challenges during pregnancy that we were really out of shape so to speak when we were ready to embrace our practices fully again.
So after J had put up with enough of my hormonal fluctuations, and really I was dying for him to stop playing so nice with me, we had a session. I knelt down and we went over what he expects of me. We went over the old rules and adjusted as necessary. And then he put me over his lap, bared and spanked me HARD... Because it was not meant as a punishment he used his hand... but he has never used his hand that hard before. I didn't even know he could spank as hard as he did! Before long I was kicking and scissoring my legs and trying to get down. When I was almost in tears he finally stopped and well... then other good things happened.
As a submissive I know that sometimes I just need to feel my husbands power. I may not have done anything to displease him, but I need to feel him. I need to know he's got me and he's in control of things and I can lean on him. I need to know he won't let me spiral out of control or cause destruction in my life.
There is a part of me that angst's, that worries, that doesn't know when to stop saying of doing the wrong things, that doesn't know what the wrong things are all the time, that pushes too hard, turns people away, and in the moment of my angst I feel justified and don't always realize that what I am saying or doing is hurtful or wrong... until it is too late.
I didn't know if I was going to broach this topic but it's coming up and I'm just going to say it.It's been a difficult weekend as its become clear to me that damage has been done.
If you're reading here and you know I'm talking to you... I'm sorry. I can't repair the damage I have done. There is nothing I can say or do. Apparently it's too late. I never meant to hurt you.
Sometimes I don't realize that I can be a bitch until I've pushed people away.
I snapped at J the other day. I was tired and cranky and I just got snippy with him for no good reason. He said, "If you get like that with other people I can see why you're having a problem."
I know that I care deeply for people. I care about my friends and my intentions are usually good. For some reason I also am very sensitive and afraid of being hurt by others and sometimes it causes me to question others or feel defensive unnecessarily. And the bitch comes out... and I've been trying to stifle her for years.
If we never speak again, it's not by my choice. And I am very, very sorry that this is the result of what I thought was friendship. And I am very sorry for what I have done to cause this.