J agreed that we would put the lifestyle into practice. He did some research and came up with several expectations that I was to follow...
The smoking and drinking must stop (a drink in moderation was okay but excessive drinking was not), I was to take care of myself (no eating disorder behaviors), I was to eat breakfast (Something he'd been trying to get me to do for the longest), I was to keep my temper, I was not to leave the house without letting him know where I was going, I was to be on time to my destinations, I was not to make purchases without asking him, and above all else I was to respect him.
So we began living out our new dynamic and in the beginning I got in trouble A LOT! The changes that we made had caused a lot of things to operate differently for us. Not only did I for the first time in our marriage have rules to follow, but I was to defer to J's authority on everything. He was the boss! Neither of us was use to this. It's baffling to me how different we were before then but I would never want to go back to the way it was...
Before I did whatever I felt like. If J didn't like it he told me so but he had nothing to back up his wishes that I change my behavior. Now if he notices that something is not in my or our families best interest he sets a hard limit on it and I'm expected to submit to him.
Before if there was conflict it caused division and there was distance between us. Now if we fought I was required to step down and accept his authority in the matter or be punished.
Double standard? Maybe...
Do we have an equal marriage? Nope...
But I would rather be protected than be equal. And if J didn't recognize that I am just as valuable as he then it would be different but it isn't that way. He isn't "bossy" in order to "lord it over" me, but it is for my good. He isn't a selfish dictator in our home. He is always thinking of us and giving to us so that we can have the things we need. And he is agreeable to many things I ask him for as well. The least I owe him is my respect. I want my man to feel like a king in his home. I do even accept punishment from him because it helps me submit to him this way and I want to be my best for him. We are equal in value, but our roles are different. He is above me. I am subordinate to him. We believe this is right and it is desired by us both.
As time progressed we experienced much closeness within the practices we embraced. We also experienced setbacks. There were times that things were great, our dynamic was operating smoothly, we were close and experiencing a lot of intimacy. Other times were tough. A rule would be broken, I found submission challenging, a punishment needed to happen and I disagreed and didn't want to submit to J, he was disappointed that I hadn't met his expectation in a certain area and felt angry, Doming is hard work and he was worn out, I felt let down by his needing a break...
Living out this dynamic is not easy and there are many kinks to work out when a couple embarks on this journey. Like anything else that has the potential to reap benefits in the lives of its followers it takes time, practice, patience and much tweaking to do so.
In time though we both discovered that (as my husband says) when DD works it is great!
We found ourselves more devoted to each other than ever before. Suddenly the interest of the other partner was our greatest concern. I wanted J to be pleased with me and meeting his expectations became paramount to me. J wanted to meet my needs and protect me and he began to take his role as a husband very seriously. I felt loved and cherished by him in a much more profound way then ever before. I looked at him differently, with more respect and awe, especially after he'd punish me. Although it hurt and I didn't like it, it made me respect him. It changed how I viewed him. I used to think he was mine. Now I knew without a doubt, I was his.
I was his duty, his responsibility. Yes I am an adult and capable of caring for myself but he is my lord. I am his subject, and a very loved one. I am happy to let myself be his.
One night in particular we were experiencing such intense intimacy and as we made love I suddenly felt more free than I had ever felt before when it came to being that vulnerable to him. The emotion inside of me was overwhelming, and on the brink of tears I felt very strongly to call him Daddy. I didn't know why I felt this way and I was afraid I would burst out with it unexpectedly. I was also afraid he would find it strange and judge me. Afterwards though, while I was in his arms I told him about how badly I longed to call out to him as Daddy and that I didn't understand why.
I didn't see J as my father. I'd never even called my own father daddy, not once growing up. So it wasn't some distasteful incest- related thing.
But when I told J this his answer shocked me. He said he would love for me to call him Daddy and not to feel ashamed about it.
"Of course it's okay. You're my little girl."
Tears filled my eyes. Now, aside from when the kids are around or we are with others, this is all I ever call him. When I look at him I am filled with love for him. He is strong, capable, and everything I have ever wanted or needed. In him I see my soul mate and my lover but I also see my provider, my protector, and my Leader. This is what I am expressing by calling him Daddy.
It is because of our intensified relationship that I am eager to have him be pleased with me. I want so much more than to submit to him simply to appease him as if we are playing at some sort of game. Hearts and emotions are involved in what we do. A relationship is happening here. And whether I've shown him perfect submission or messed it up, whether I've earned his praise or his punishment I know that I am always his love and that what he does is out of love for me and we will keep trying until we get it right.