Monday, September 4, 2017

Our Domestic Discipline choice (part one)

Hello there!
It's been a busy week as school has begun here and I'm still in the process of piecing together curriculum's and planning out our year. J and I have celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary this past week! My how time flies...

So I thought I would piece together our story of how we heard about and began practicing DD. I don't remember all the details perfectly but I will do my best to paint the picture accurately with as much as I can remember...

So my husband and I met when I was in my late teens and he was in his mid twenties. He was very much the laid back, easy going type of partner whereas I typically knew what I wanted and pushed until I got it. He generally would tend to give into me feeling that to be loving was to let me have my way. I couldn't explain it, but deep inside I felt unsatisfied with the way our relationship operated. I wanted him to take control, to take the control away from me. I wanted him to have his own voice, tell me no, be firm with me. I felt that left to my own tendencies I ran the risk of being reckless, undisciplined, even out of control at times. I wanted to be submissive as a wife but I had no clue what that would look like or mean. Nor did I have any understanding as to why I felt this way. I came from a home where my father was controlling and physically and emotionally abusive. I certainly would never allow any man to dominate me! And if any ever tried I would put him in his place!
As you can guess, much has changed, and I am so glad it did!
Coincidentally my husband also came from a home with an abusive father although the abuse was also extended to his mother so this contributed a lot with his unease about being the ringleader in the relationship.

So the first time we heard of DD was actually when we were dating! It must have been very early in its development because we only came across it by chance. We read up on it out of awe mostly and laughed about it a bit. I could not even fathom J taking control over me in this way. So just for kicks we decided to try it, not committing to it very seriously. J was in college and living with his mom (his parents had been divorced for some time) and so one week when she was out of town I stayed with him. I acted like a little wife, cooking and cleaning. He brought groceries home, it was so cute! And then it happened! One night as I was cooking dinner for him we got in a slight argument. I don't remember what it was about. Anyhow being the stubborn girl that I was I got really mad and yelled at him. He looked at me and I could see the indecision in his face. Would he give into me now like usual or put his foot down like this weird dynamic would have him do?
Slowly but surely I saw his expression change to one of resolve, "Do you want a spanking?" Now he was a bit flustered. That's it, I had pushed him to his limit.
My inner feminist (Yes I considered myself one) came out and I let him have it!
"No, don't you threaten me like that. How fair is that! I get spanked and what do you get! I'm not the only one arguing here..." you get the picture. So anyhow I resolved that I could not live by such a woman- stifling dynamic, haha. How could I possibly have any respect for myself  if I allowed myself to be treated like that. And we never tried it again...

Oh there was the occasional bedroom play, spanking during sex. It was all good. Palm Sunday once after church (we were newlyweds) J had fun later with the palm branches the church gave us to take home, lol.  But no serious spanking, no discipline. Nope not going to have it. But still deep down there was something about submitting that appealed to me and I didn't know why.

Fast forward  now to about a year and a half ago...
Life was mostly good. Our kids were mostly school aged and I was teaching. J and I were experiencing a lot of closeness in our relationship. We were planning a retreat together early the following summer. But there were other things going on in my life. Things with my extended family that were causing a lot of stress. I was trying to carry some of the burden for them and it was weighing on me, as well as the emotional burden of what was happening. Things were happening quickly and I felt myself sinking. One evening as I felt myself sinking into the depths of despair (in the words of Anne of Green Gables) I thought back to when J and I were dating. I wanted him to take away my pain. I wanted him to take control and not let me take charge. Too much was on my shoulders and I needed him to tell me no. No you can't handle this all on your own. No you can't fix your family, that's their job. No you can't run away from me emotionally. No you can't sit there and sink into a depression. He was saying these things to me but it didn't matter. I was already losing myself. When work was over, chores done for the night, kids in bed I would sink. Even my intimacy with J couldn't pull me out of it. I needed something more...

I went online and researched until I found what I was looking for.... yes this is what we had read about... could this really work? Was I ready for this now? Could I actually submit to J? Could I really allow myself to give up control?
At first I scoffed at the idea. No I didn't want this. I didn't need this. I pushed the idea away and tried to forget about it. But over the next couple of weeks I found myself thinking about it more. I read up and found some blogs that other women who submitted to their husbands had written. Slowly the idea began to appeal to me. I knew I wanted to give up control.

I spoke with J about my thoughts. I asked him to check out some of the websites I had found. He very lovingly told me, "No." He didn't feel it would be right for him to treat me that way. A husband is not suppose to be controlling with his wife let alone the things that these websites mentioned, spank her...

Not that he had any issue with the occassional spanking. But that wasn't what I wanted. That wasn't what my need was about. It was about giving up control and him taking it. It was about learning to live as a submitted wife and for him to dominate me. That was the core of what I wanted. I wanted to know he had me and would not let me self- destruct... even if that meant taking me in hand to prove his point.

So I gave it up and tried to forget about it again. But deep down I knew what I wanted.

Summertime came, school ended and we packed up for our retreat. We were so excited to get away alone, without the family issues, without the kids. Some babysitters that we and our kids adore came to watch them while we were away. It was bliss!
We had so much time together, just the two of us. It hadn't been that way for so long! At J's request I left my phone off and he left his on, in case the babysitters called. No interruptions, no worries, I got to focus on just us.

When we returned we were refreshed and excited to see our kids. But soon after returning the family issues crept up and the stress and heartache returned again. J saw me falling and the falling resulted in buying cigarettes and having a drink when the kids went to bed at night. Finally J put his foot down.
He was tired of seeing me down and tired of seeing me making bad decisions to cope with the pain...