Whack, whack, whack... This is what I woke up to this morning. I rolled over and tried to snuggle into J who kept whacking my backside through the covers.
"Someone didn't get up and do her writing today."
Whack, whack, whack....
I sighed. This was true. I had heard my alarm go off which was my wake up call to go down and greet all of you in blog land but had ignored it. The whacks were half- hearted though, he knows I've been tired lately. The good man that he is he even let me stay in bed while he took the baby downstairs and tended to our other children.
After a little while I got up and went downstairs where J and our kiddos were watching tv. He got up and gave me a hug and then brought me a cup of coffee- black- just the way I like it.
"Isn't this suppose to be the other way around..." I said.
I took the cup and sat down with the kids feeling thankful yet still a bit discontended. Maybe it'll sound strange but I so much prefer being the one to serve him.
He's a good man. He's always there to help me when I need him, he works hard to provide for us, he is responsible and diligent as a husband and a father. Oh he has his faults, we all do. But I know that we are all loved and that we are his top priority. I know that he would stand in harms way to protect us. I know we are the reason he lives and breathes each day.
Lately I've wondered as I sometimes do if he needs this lifestyle of ours as much as I do. We stumbled upon it so long ago quite accidentally. I suppose that first encounter left a lasting impression in my mind as I struggled to understand submission and why I felt such a need for it. So when life got to be too much, when the struggles got to be too demanding, when I finally grew tired of following my own lead I let my guard down and asked to follow his. This lifestyle became a tool that we used to get us there. It helped us focus more deeply on each other, re-calibrated us, helped us connect on a deeper level. It helped us find success and helped me express my need to submit and him his need to lead. It's become a need for me as I don't know how to feel the same level of submission without it. It's become beauty to me. It takes ordinary love so much deeper until reasoning about it no longer makes sense.
Sometimes I wonder why I need this so much. Sometimes I can't even explain it to myself. I just know it in my heart that this is right for me and I know he knows this as well. But there is this insecurity that comes with that knowledge. What if he wasn't ok with this? What if he resented this? What if.... he didn't understand me?
I've asked him before and he says he finds this lifestyle to be useful as well. But I need it. And he embraces it for my need. To lead our family is a need that he has but the rest of this... he accepts it and embraces it for me. While he enjoys a deeper connection because of it, he doesn't necessarily need it as I do. This is hard for me. If I didn't want this anymore, would he give it up so easily?
He placed his hands on my shoulders as I sat with my coffee.
"I think we need to check in."
He knows a lot has been on my heart lately and we've experienced another lull in our dynamic.
I nodded and followed him up the stairs.
He sat in the chair and I knelt before him ready to share my heart.
So I began... and he looked deep into my eyes as he listened....
and then, ok... I did not intend for this to be a funny post but damn it it's unavoidable...
this... thing whizzed across the room. Honestly folks... this flying gray thing whizzed by and then made a U turn and landed of all places on my right boob.
And then after it did that it promptly fell down my tank top. I tore the shirt off. J thought it was a bee because it buzzed, and he gave it a good stomp when it landed on the floor.
It looked like this...
Look at that, even after getting stomped on it stands.
So that's how my heart to heart moment went with J this morning. After we finished laughing he took a picture of it. Anyone know what the hell it is?!
And seriously though, anyone else deal with these insecurities or am I being silly?
Hugs to you all,