Monday, October 30, 2017

I'm Here Again...

I'm sitting here on a tender bottom. I was punished just now. Sometimes I don't even know how it all comes about. Everything seems to be going smoothly and then I've done it again, opened my mouth, gotten snarky, gone too far, pushed the limits. I've responded to J disrespectfully instead of calmly. I've let my emotions get in the way and taint what it is I'm trying to say.

J is on vacation this week and I've been so excited to have him here. We have a stay- cation planned for the remainder of the week but today was a typical one so we started our day as usual this morning. I still had school to teach, the kids had lessons to do, and J had business calls to make. Not realizing that he needed uninterrupted time for his calls I allowed our children to head down to see him each time interrupting a call that he was on. Each time a child returned to me dejectedly because daddy was on a call and had sent them back upstairs. I wasn't sure what was going on so I checked with J and realized that he was tied up on calls so sat the children down and moved them on with their lessons. 

The doorbell rang and it was a family member that needed to talk. After  they had visited with the kids for a bit I excused myself and J carried on lessons while I spoke with them. The external family stress is picking up again and I seem to be the go-to person lately when it comes to needing a shoulder or advice. 

After talking with this family member and returning back to classes with the children, J picked up where he left off with his calls. Again, I didn't realize he was busy and allowed a child to head down to see him. He spoke sharply to the child and hearing this I went to the child's defense but I was angry and lashed out at him instead of speaking calmly and respectfully. It was basically a repeat of the issue we had last week. 

Perhaps it was the stress of my conversation with my family member, perhaps it was the unexpectedness of the visit, maybe it was the fact that I spoke with another family member just last night that is directly tied to the issue and I'm being hit from both sides again. Whatever it is, I snapped, having no patience to control my temper when I should have, with J. I swore, I got nasty, and I let him have it with my attitude.

I knew he would punish me but when the realization hit me it was already too late. I had already blown it.

I know that I should have calmly led my child back to her seat and carried on. I could have talked with J later and questioned him respectfully about my concerns. The right response seems to inevitably reach my brain too late.

When the kids were down to bed J brought me downstairs. He lectured and he punished and lectured some more. He told me that I am a good submissive but I just can't seem to get this...

I wish I had an answer. I wish I thought before reacting even if my feelings were justified. My wrong doesn't make the situation right and I need to learn to be respectful even when I disagree or think something done or said was unjust. J isn't always right. He's human. He fails. He handles things in ways sometimes that I don't agree with. We all do. We all fall short sometimes. My reaction in those moments makes things so much more complicated and it's just so not conducive to peace.

All I can say is that I am still learning. Last week I questioned J.
"So do you think we should give up the dynamic?"
I didn't ask because I thought so but because I wanted to know how he felt.
"No," he stated without hesitation.
"We keep the dynamic. When it's working it's good."
So there you have it. It seems maybe he does see this as something we need after all, maybe?
I do feel this way because I wouldn't have reached even my current level of submission without it.

As for this reoccuring problem, I want to do better. I don't want to drive a wedge between us. DD is the reason a wedge isn't being driven because we take care of the problem and reconnect quickly and we are committed to doing better. But it seems to be taking me a long time to learn this lesson.

Please don't misunderstand here readers. I don't like it that I react this way with J. I don't like it that he has to continuously punish me for this. I'm not turned on by brating, displeasing him or being punished. I'd much rather be on his good side. I tell my children that daddy can be a bear. Literally. Would you prefer the teddy or the grizzly? This girl prefers the teddy. Truly.

So I asked J, should I blog about this? He told me yes if it helps me process. So here you have it. It is out. It is documented. I need to show him for his approval as usual and then send it on its way to cyberspace. I hope getting it out will help me remember to do the right thing next time I'm faced with handling myself respectfully in light of my emotions.

Until next time, I hope you all have a good week.

Jlynne


2 comments:

  1. Hi Jlynne, I'm sorry this happened, and that you are also dealing with extetnal family pressure.

    sounds like it was a full on day with lessons and J also dealing with work calls alone, then the added stress of the visit. I'm not surprised you reacted the way you did.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  2. I love that you are learning from each situation and taking the time to reflect. I love your description of wanting the teddy or the grizzly. That's great!
    --Baker

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