It's been so long since I've visited here... and I must say I've missed it. Before I get to today's post I want to first give my condolences to a fellow blogger, Roz, who I recently learned lost her mother. I was so sorry to hear about this. Roz, you are in my thoughts and prayers.♡
I've taken some time off from the blog lately in order to regroup. There were some things that really needed more of my attention for a time and honestly this is still the case. One of those things was my writing project which is coming along, more slowly than I had hoped, but it is coming. A good friend of mine is beta reading for me and I greatly appreciate her advice and encouragement. I am an aspiring author so this is my first attempt at becoming published. I hope to have my work submitted in January, fingers crossed, so we'll see. Hopefully I haven't jinxed myself too much there...
Secondly, I wanted to put more effort into my practice of submission to my husband. When I last wrote we were struggling a bit with our roles and things are better, but we are still working on growing in this area. So this is where I'll pick up today...
J had suggested that we have what I like to refer to as a "training period." He likes to refer to it as "boot camp." We have never participated in a couples boot camp before and I was a bit apprehensive and still am. But we talked out our concerns many times and did some research before committing to it. J wanted us to begin today and to actively participate in the boot camp for 21 days, the idea behind this being that it takes 21 days to form a habit. He decided to have us begin today so that our last day of boot camp would be New Years Eve and we would ring in the new year more fully engaged in our roles. Great thinking hun! He came up with some things that he wanted us to put into practice for this period that would make our dynamic more intensified which I'll go over in a bit.
So my everyday rules are pretty simple... I need to conduct myself well both in the home and out of it, I need to respect J and his position of authority in the family, I need to ask permission on purchases and be sure to stay within my spending limit, I need to stay on top of my chores (unless of course I had a good reason not to like illness or something outside of my control), I have to take care of myself appropriately (this includes taking meds/ supplements, eating appropriately, and not smoking, drinking is ok but not in excess and I generally ask permission before I do just to be on the safe side), and I must drive responsibly (driving the speed limit, not texting when driving, etc.) Breaking any of these rules will get me punished in one way or another.
So all of these rules still apply to my everyday life but J has added a list of extras for our boot camp which he researched for ideas and wrote down the ones he felt would help us accomplish our goals. Let me also clarify, that we both have goals that we are striving to meet while putting this into practice...
J's goal is to be a leader that is consistently fair with all those under his authority. He generally is and at times when I've felt that something wasn't handled in the right way I've been able to respectfully speak with him about it. But we have agreed that for the boot camp period I would forfeit my right to question him, or... gulp, even have an opinion... (now hang on) for the purpose of focusing on simply submitting to him. Ok, I know what I just said will likely not sit well with some but please understand that we are doing this to achieve a goal and not because we feel that any gender/ submissive partner should not be allowed to have a voice that is both heard and validated by their partner.
That said, he realizes what I am sacrificing in order to achieve my own goal during this training, my very voice, so that is why his goal is as such. It is of utmost importance that he is a fair leader as I am lowering myself to the status of a slave (in the terms of not having a voice and submitting blindly).
My goal in this is to learn to submit to J more fully. Now, after the 21 days things will return to normal and I will be permitted an opinion once again but for the sake of learning to submit more naturally, I am giving this up for now.
I am over- emphasizing here for a reason. I don't want there to be any misunderstandings.
So J decided on the things we would incorporate into our... eh hem... training period...
First, I have to sleep naked😐... this is because he wants me to wear my bathrobe in the morning and "open it" whenever he tells me to. (Yeah... he's a guy...) Ok, so the "research" that he did stated that having this in place reminds me that I am his and he can view me whenever he wishes.
This leads to the second addition... sex on demand. Obviously we will not practice these when the kids are in our vicinity.
Next, when I go up for morning check in (6AM) we have a maintenance spanking right off the bat. We do usually do maintenance spanking at morning check in. These are much less painful than punishments and the goal really is that they help me get focused and centered. Kind of like cold water or cold air can help a person wake up, well they work kind of like that for me. So the only difference here is that he wants to do them first thing rather than have our talk first.
I am to address his as Sir during check- ins or any other kind of session.
And I must ask first before doing anything of leisure (which I don't normally have to do).
So these are the basic changes and I must say that we couldn't have picked a harder time of year to attempt this. I mean really, Christmas is such a stressful time as it is and attempting this has me seriously worried that I am going to have a very sore ass by the end of it. I was already spanked tonight for breaking a... few ... rules unintentionally. I had every intention of kicking this thing off with golden colors, after all I've been so good lately, really! And the first day we start boot camp I wind up in the hot seat, literally!
(Not to mention that J has started to use his handy dandy wooden spoon again which hurts way more than the wand)
Ok, what happened is this...
So I went Christmas shopping today.... in a store! Now I am one that likes to do my shopping online. I don't like the crowds, I get overwhelmed when I have many people to shop for. There are too many things that catch my eye, I try to keep organized about how much I'm spending, try to be fair with who gets what, how many, how much, you get it... It's OVERWHELMING!!
And sure enough I wound up overspending on the amount that J told me I could spend. So rather than put something back and embarrass myself at the check out lane I paid for everything knowing I'd get spanked when I got home. I texted J when I got out to my van. I hate seeing him look disappointed when I tell him what I did so texting is so much easier.
"No not good." he responds.
He is not upset but I know I've disappointed him. We're on a tighter budget this year and he was counting on me to be responsible and honestly I did try but I didn't add it all up in my head before heading to check out. I thought I'd be okay, and really I wasn't that much over but it's the principle that counts and I know that he needs to be able to trust me to be precise.
When I got home he hugged me, sweet man that he is. I was beyond stressed and he knew I felt badly about messing up. We talked a bit while a couple of our kids played outside in the snow and he also gave me a maintenance spanking because I was so so stressed.
The stress makes it so much harder to submit like I want to and by the time the kids bedtime came I had broken two other rules.
I know we're all in this boat during this time of year and for practitioners of this lifestyle we really need to kick it up a notch just to get through the season. For those of us that live this way, this is what helps us keep our sanity and stay in check. It's sink or swim and if we don't kick it up, we're likely to sink.
A few days ago, I don't remember what the issue was now, but we were in our bedroom and I had just had a short fuse all morning. Finally J had had enough The door was closed and he turned me so my back was to him and bent me over our bed. I thought he was going to spank me and being in no mood to submit to him I covered my bottom. He took my arms and firmly placed them on the bed and then bared me. I covered myself again. I was seriously livid, my brain had totally checked out by this point. He took my arms, again, and held them to the bed. He spoke to me firmly telling me to trust him, he had me and I would be ok. He told me to just follow his lead. His voice was very calm and before long I was taking deep breaths and my body was relaxing. He did not spank me but the threat was there but really all he wanted to do was talk to me and for me to drop my guard, let the walls down.
I'm sure I will likely get stressed again. There's a lot happening here for us. We have more gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, Christmas events to attend, our services to give, friends and family to visit, a dinner to host, desserts to bake, ingredients to buy and an out of state guest coming to stay with us... during our boot camp period!
I am trying to finish a writing project, homeschooling my kids, attending functions for our one child that attends public school, attending functions for extra curriculars...it's no wonder I'm stressed. It's no wonder you're stressed. We can all relate!
This brings me to my final point for today's post. I don't know many of you... other bloggers, couples who practice DD or D/s... and I'd like to. This is a very lonely lifestyle to live when you don't have a support network. I want to invite you to comment on my blog or just say hello. For those of you that do blog, I was hoping to begin a new roll call list and get to know more of you. If you would be okay with me adding your blog to my list please let me know.😊
So for those that celebrate, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas in spite of how very stressful this time of year can be. Merry Christmas to you!! Try to relax as much as possible and enjoy the ones you love.
Take good care and I'll see you in the New Year,