Saturday, January 13, 2018

My First Official Rant!!!

Guess what!?
My husband is not the perfect leader and sometimes it really pisses me off. This is an angry post so I will understand if you'd prefer to move on to the next blog.
This is however my first "official" rant on here so I would appreciate feedback as it is very uncomfortable for me to be so transparent in a public place. (And definitely not the first rant believe me, just first for this blog).

I was called up for check in this morning. Yeah, it's like 7:21 as I write this. I knelt down and J hugged me and we embraced for a... while. Figuring out what you want to say up there Mr. Dom?
I pulled away gently with a smile to encourage things to move along. He reminded me to behave today- My unbirthday celebration with him is tonight (I'll get to that later) so I was feeling rather excited.
Anyhow I brought up my confusion on a rule of ours that I felt he was back and forth about. My carb rule. I mentioned before that I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past. Basically I struggled with eating unhealthy carbs during times of stress and then would throw up to get rid of them and control weight issues. So when I began submitting to J he made a rule that I could not eat carbs to alleviate the need to purge (and control weight which was my goal).
This rule has changed over time. During pregnancy I was required to eat some carbs and so this rule was taken away. Now post pregnancy I am allowed to eat carbs but I have to ask his permission first or he has to be with me for portion control. This alleviates the need to purge bc he doesn't let me eat the 'wrong' carbs or if I do he limits how much of them I take. Suffice it to say that purging has not been an issue this time around and most of the baby weight I gained has come off which makes me happy.
So at check in I tried to explain that I was confused about this rule because a couple of days ago I had texted him to ask if I could eat a sandwich (on bread) but I made it thinking he would text me back and say ok.... but he was busy at work and didn't text me right away. I ate the sandwich.
Later I told him that I had. I have PMS- can you tell! which always makes it harder for me to control cravings and yeah ... so technically I broke the rule.
Well at check in he got defensive and frustrated with me for saying that I was confused about this. He saw this as criticism. Before you ask, yes, I had a respectful tone, I was kneeling, all of the above...check, check, check.
And still he got defensive. He raised his voice to turn mine off. I feel my voice was taken from me and my submission was taken advantage of. Not Cool!
I will submit until I feel stepped on unjustly then it is null and void until he is ready to be fair. I will not be mistreated (and I use that word loosely) because I am the submissive partner. Now he is a good man. He works hard, he manages our finances, pays all our bills, takes care of us, protects us, all the above. But we do occasionally have hiccups and when we have them, ladies, I need support.
I'm sure we'll get over it. We'll go on and celebrate my un-birthday tonight as planned and we'll have fun. But right now, right now I'm just angry.

Now, let me explain why I am having an un- birthday.
My birthday is the day after Christmas. Well, as if that is not enough of a reason to need an un- birthday we also had a little set- back on Christmas eve. My mom was here visiting from out of state and things were going very well... until... I yelled at J a bit... in front of my mom and the kids. We had a misunderstanding about what our oldest child needed. He has special needs and finds verbal communication difficult and so we were both trying to help him before he had a complete melt down only thing is we were both trying to help him in completely opposite directions. Hopefully this makes sense. So I got stressed and snapped at J a bit. Later while he was helping the kids shower and get ready for bed, I was passing him in the hall and he said, "We will talk about this later." Well I know what that means.
So when the kids were down he took me into the bathroom that is by the bedrooms. The dungeon two levels down was currently being occupied by my mom. And he pulled out the wooden spoon to discipline me. I asked him to please not use the spoon as the kids were only doors away and mom was in our home. He saw this as a sign of disrespect to his authority.
I tried to explain, it wasn't that I didn't want to submit to him, I did. And I agreed that I should be punished. I just didn't want to be overheard by our kids who were 'waiting' for Santa Claus to come, or for my mom to overhear if she meandered up the first flight of stairs to go to the bathroom a floor bellow us.
Unreasonable? I think not! So he sent me to bed in a huff because I wouldn't submit to him. I went without argument but I was hurt.
Christmas morning I watched the kids open their presents and enjoyed them. I did not open my own from J as I wasn't ready to accept anything from him. I needed my heart to feel better first. Not to mention I was already under considerable stress because my dad and his 'new' wife would also be coming to our home for Christmas dinner (with my mom there). So long story shorter I was already in a bit of an emotional funk.
Later that night when the kids went to bed we talked things out and I felt better. J understood that I wasn't trying to be uncooperative but that I had a legitimate reason for being cautious. Our dynamic is our decision and I'm happy with it but I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable and he clearly thought that no one would be the wiser, and had expressed this the night before, but I was still concerned.
So the next morning, my birthday, my mom had to leave to catch her flight back. This was not her intention to leave me on my birthday but she had to relieve her brother who was staying with their dad who isn't doing well health- wise and had no choice but to leave that day. So, another reason I suppose, that I was feeling emotional. We said goodbye at 6 in the morning and I swallowed back tears as I hugged her and J placed her luggage in the car.
Later that day though I was mulling over Christmas eve with J, Christmas dinner and the stress I felt over all of my family being in one home- with the addition of the new wife, and my mom leaving. I built a wall around myself and I don't remember how it came about but J and I had words and I got spanked and I cried and cried and cried. I laid in bed and didn't want to do anything. I had the total, 'it's my party and I'll cry if I want to' attitude and I milked it for all it was worth. J canceled our plans to go out because he could see it was not the right time. He came and held me as I cried and he cried too. We made up and J and the kids sang to me over cupcakes after dinner. But we planned an un- birthday to make up for my real birthday.
So that is the whole story behind the un- birthday which I share to explain the disappointment of having this hiccup at check in this morning.
Sometimes I feel like J wants to take the easy way out when it comes to leadership. If the rule is a rule then admit it and even if you give me grace, let me know the damn rule still applies so I can go forward trying to follow it. It's not the grace that bothered me it's that he says it's a rule and then when I tell him I broke he asks me 'was what you ate gluten free?' (I have celiac disease). I told him yes. and he basically told me it wasn't an issue then. Ok, so I can take, "hun I'm gonna give you grace but you know the rule so don't do it again," but I can't take that it's a rule that applies sometimes but other times. That is damn confusing. It only shows me that he is choosing laziness so that he doesn't have to address the issue in some way.
He isn't like this all the time but for this issue he seems to get that way from time to time. There was a period that he didn't feel that this needed to be a rule for me because I was doing so well following my diet restrictions so he backed off on the rule. So I guess it's like he doesn't want to pick it up again, doesn't find it necessary. So I guess what I was asking this morning was 'is it a rule in your mind or is it not bc if not then I need to know.' I wasn't challenging him or trying to critique him really but he got so defensive that he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain... thus this post.
So there is the ugly side of ttwd. Honestly it feels good to get it out.
I love my husband and I know he loves me so no question there. This is just so hard when things don't go as they should, as they have been. We've had so much harmony since the holidays.
Anyhow, thanks in advance for reading. I will keep you updated on how things go when I post tomorrow.

Jlynne

15 comments:

  1. And another thing... and I'm putting it here so I don't put it "there"... you can't break a submissives trust.
    All the couples I've heard of that have been successful have been that way bc they communicate about everything. It's not fair that I couldn't go to him with my concern. He wants me to... has made it a rule that I go to him and rely on him emotionally rather than someone else. He doesn't like it when I vent to others and wants me to go to him. So I did and look where it got me!

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  2. OH I so understand this rant! Man oh man have I/we been here COUNTLESS times. COUNTLESS...

    This-> this right here, " he got defensive and frustrated with me for saying that I was confused about this. He saw this as criticism." URGH!

    Been there, time and time again. I *think* it is due to the fact that sometimes they deflect because they don't wish to see they have sent mixed signals? I mean to use we want clarification- to them it is a spotlight on an area perhaps 'failed'. I don't know.

    Anyway, let me express, I so get it. AND not to discourage you but even after all of these years, we still find ourselves 'there' or 'here' whichever! lol

    willie

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  3. Oh I also want to say kudos to you. THIS is what honesty and blogging is all about. I miss that- as it used to be more prevalent in blogs. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with sharing the odd rant. Life is NOT perfect. TTWD does many wonderful things, but it can cause strife and confusion.

    When I see how one or both partners struggle, it makes me so much more invested in their triumphs!

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  4. Thanks willie. Things are okay now. J brought me flowers and apologized for not hearing me out and was understandimg with how I felt- although he wasn't keen on me posting it here. Your thought on why he felt defensive seemed to resonate with him as well. Seems we are over the blip.
    I have to say, I feel a bit guilty though for putting it out there. I hadn't really known he would mind. I guess there's got to be away to share and find support without putting it all out there. I don't know which is better...

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    1. Well you know, no one likes to be seen in a poor light -even though as bloggers we tend to confess things, especially when the light is shone by our significant other. You sort of have to face it in an entirely different way when that happens.

      As for J- Barney has often said this when I have 'ranted' in the past on my blog: " Well I can't deny it. I don't like it, and I really don't like seeing it 'out there' but I did do and say those things. I guess I can't expect you to always just say when you screw up". LOL

      willie

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    2. Hi me AGAIN...lol. Another way to look at this for J (might be) that I said we have been there countless times- so ya know, he's not the only one who has done what was written here ;) Sort of a backwards type kind of support. lol

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  5. It think it's comforting for both of us to hear that this is 'normal'. It happens sometimes. It also helps me as well because now I have an idea what he might be feeling in a moment like that where I am questioning and maybe I can approach him differently next time. Like instead of coming right out and telling him I am confused because of A, B, and C that were all related to 'his' actions, I can instead take the approach of building him up (ya know, stroke the ego a bit) and then hit that, hey I'm confused about this though.
    I certainly don't want him to feel that whenever we have an issue I'm going to run to my computer before going to him first. I'd much rather reflect in hindsight as a way to help others who might be dealing with the same thing rather than to vent online. I don't think that's fair and it really isn't my way of doing things. I think though that in this instance I really needed to be heard, and he really wasn't allowing me to be. So I found another way to speak up because I was internally in a bad place. I've told J before that when I am hurting I can feel the pain physically. My heart literally feels heavy with pain and I also get a pain in my collar bone. In the moment I couldn't keep the pain in without feeling like I would implode and he just wouldn't let me be heard.

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  6. Hi Jlynne, oh yes, I can relate to confusion over rules, it has happened here also from time to time. I think sometimes our guys will take all circumstances into account and decide no action is required. However, they don't always communicate this to us leading to confusion. I also think any rules have to be about things/issues that he feels strongly about or are important to him.

    Happy Un-Birthday! Hope you have a wonderful celebration :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thank you for commenting Roz. That is a good point and I think that J did make that decision based on the circumstances which is fine of course. And yes, I agree that the rules should only be about things that are important to him and that he feels have a need to be in place.
      Thank you for the birthday wishes. We had a really nice time together in spite of how the morning went.

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  7. Thank you for posting this...we all appreciate it when someone else joins the...I wonder if this happens to anyone else club..cause really, mostly we have all been there. Consistency, one of the most important things in a power exchange...and seems to be one of the toughest. We expect so much from the one who takes the lead, maybe because we give them what is most difficult for us. The best thing about your rant episode, is that is was resolved and you both learned something....maybe next time...and probably their will be a next time, so before then, maybe the two of you can discuss this again, and come up with a word or words...that you can use meaning, I am confused, we need to talk this out as soon as possible. Honestly for me, it has meant writing Him a letter, then I get to edit until I get it right. Hugs...abby

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    1. Thank you Abby. It's comforting to know that others can relate.
      I agree that consistency is important but really it was a matter of needing to know if this rule was simply for my sake or if he felt it needed to be there. I just wanted him to hear my concern and understand that I wasn't trying to put any blame on him.
      I also agree with the letter writing idea. I had actually attempted this first but he wasn't ready to read it so I went online to vent which I probably shouldn't have done. I do want to relate to others but I don't want to hurt our relationship in the process. I think if the tables were turned it would hurt me if he did that and then looking forward to celebrating my birthday after just made me feel all kinds of guilty. He was very apologetic though and very understanding after reading my post so I just don't know.
      Perhaps I should have written the letter and shared it with him when he was ready and blogged about it later when the issue was resolved as a way to relate with others. (sorry for talking your ear off, lol)
      Thanks for your support!

      Jlynne

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    2. Never be sorry for thinking out loud...I am a pretty good listener (reader)....I think your last paragraph sums it up pretty well...a learning experience. hugs abby

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  8. I agree with the replies above. I know my Lee has been inconsistent; some days this is a Big NO, other times he let it slide. Consistency is very important to me, otherwise I feel well is he doing this for only Me or for Us. I was told by someone a long time ago If the rule/goal is Important to them they usually are "more" consistent, if it is only there for you meaning me and not as important to them, well then they may let it slide. I love that you were honest in your post. I like to know other couples have struggles, not because I want them to but to know I am Normal or we are Normal. TTWD is not a bed or roses all of the time. Thorns are usually inevitable or at least in our case they are. But surviving those pricks along the way make you better IMO. I am happy for those that have their "perfect" DD, Ds, Ms whatever they call it, I just hope if it truly is Perfect they can handle it if it ever isn't. We are so far from our own "perfect" but with every prick, bump, etc along the way we get better & better. Then another obstacle happens & we are at it again. Happy unBirthday to you! I am happy you guys talked & had a Great evening.
    honey

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  9. Thank you for your comment honey!
    You know, my mom used to say to me, "no one has a perfect life," or something along those lines. And there were times I could just swear she was wrong. Some people just appear to have it all together, you know? But as I've gotten older I've realized that she's right. No matter how perfect an individual's or a couples life appears, they still have their problems like everyone else. The goal is to maximize the functional parts and minimize the issues, but do have systems in place to help you deal with those issues when they arise, because they will and do- for all of us. No one is perfect. The difference is in how we handle those less then perfect moments.
    Thank you for your well wishes! We had a very nice evening.

    Jlynne

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