My husband is not the perfect leader and sometimes it really pisses me off. This is an angry post so I will understand if you'd prefer to move on to the next blog.
This is however my first "official" rant on here so I would appreciate feedback as it is very uncomfortable for me to be so transparent in a public place. (And definitely not the first rant believe me, just first for this blog).
I was called up for check in this morning. Yeah, it's like 7:21 as I write this. I knelt down and J hugged me and we embraced for a... while. Figuring out what you want to say up there Mr. Dom?
I pulled away gently with a smile to encourage things to move along. He reminded me to behave today- My unbirthday celebration with him is tonight (I'll get to that later) so I was feeling rather excited.
Anyhow I brought up my confusion on a rule of ours that I felt he was back and forth about. My carb rule. I mentioned before that I have struggled with an eating disorder in the past. Basically I struggled with eating unhealthy carbs during times of stress and then would throw up to get rid of them and control weight issues. So when I began submitting to J he made a rule that I could not eat carbs to alleviate the need to purge (and control weight which was my goal).
This rule has changed over time. During pregnancy I was required to eat some carbs and so this rule was taken away. Now post pregnancy I am allowed to eat carbs but I have to ask his permission first or he has to be with me for portion control. This alleviates the need to purge bc he doesn't let me eat the 'wrong' carbs or if I do he limits how much of them I take. Suffice it to say that purging has not been an issue this time around and most of the baby weight I gained has come off which makes me happy.
So at check in I tried to explain that I was confused about this rule because a couple of days ago I had texted him to ask if I could eat a sandwich (on bread) but I made it thinking he would text me back and say ok.... but he was busy at work and didn't text me right away. I ate the sandwich.
Later I told him that I had. I have PMS- can you tell! which always makes it harder for me to control cravings and yeah ... so technically I broke the rule.
Well at check in he got defensive and frustrated with me for saying that I was confused about this. He saw this as criticism. Before you ask, yes, I had a respectful tone, I was kneeling, all of the above...check, check, check.
And still he got defensive. He raised his voice to turn mine off. I feel my voice was taken from me and my submission was taken advantage of. Not Cool!
I will submit until I feel stepped on unjustly then it is null and void until he is ready to be fair. I will not be mistreated (and I use that word loosely) because I am the submissive partner. Now he is a good man. He works hard, he manages our finances, pays all our bills, takes care of us, protects us, all the above. But we do occasionally have hiccups and when we have them, ladies, I need support.
I'm sure we'll get over it. We'll go on and celebrate my un-birthday tonight as planned and we'll have fun. But right now, right now I'm just angry.
Now, let me explain why I am having an un- birthday.
My birthday is the day after Christmas. Well, as if that is not enough of a reason to need an un- birthday we also had a little set- back on Christmas eve. My mom was here visiting from out of state and things were going very well... until... I yelled at J a bit... in front of my mom and the kids. We had a misunderstanding about what our oldest child needed. He has special needs and finds verbal communication difficult and so we were both trying to help him before he had a complete melt down only thing is we were both trying to help him in completely opposite directions. Hopefully this makes sense. So I got stressed and snapped at J a bit. Later while he was helping the kids shower and get ready for bed, I was passing him in the hall and he said, "We will talk about this later." Well I know what that means.
So when the kids were down he took me into the bathroom that is by the bedrooms. The dungeon two levels down was currently being occupied by my mom. And he pulled out the wooden spoon to discipline me. I asked him to please not use the spoon as the kids were only doors away and mom was in our home. He saw this as a sign of disrespect to his authority.
I tried to explain, it wasn't that I didn't want to submit to him, I did. And I agreed that I should be punished. I just didn't want to be overheard by our kids who were 'waiting' for Santa Claus to come, or for my mom to overhear if she meandered up the first flight of stairs to go to the bathroom a floor bellow us.
Unreasonable? I think not! So he sent me to bed in a huff because I wouldn't submit to him. I went without argument but I was hurt.
Christmas morning I watched the kids open their presents and enjoyed them. I did not open my own from J as I wasn't ready to accept anything from him. I needed my heart to feel better first. Not to mention I was already under considerable stress because my dad and his 'new' wife would also be coming to our home for Christmas dinner (with my mom there). So long story shorter I was already in a bit of an emotional funk.
Later that night when the kids went to bed we talked things out and I felt better. J understood that I wasn't trying to be uncooperative but that I had a legitimate reason for being cautious. Our dynamic is our decision and I'm happy with it but I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable and he clearly thought that no one would be the wiser, and had expressed this the night before, but I was still concerned.
So the next morning, my birthday, my mom had to leave to catch her flight back. This was not her intention to leave me on my birthday but she had to relieve her brother who was staying with their dad who isn't doing well health- wise and had no choice but to leave that day. So, another reason I suppose, that I was feeling emotional. We said goodbye at 6 in the morning and I swallowed back tears as I hugged her and J placed her luggage in the car.
Later that day though I was mulling over Christmas eve with J, Christmas dinner and the stress I felt over all of my family being in one home- with the addition of the new wife, and my mom leaving. I built a wall around myself and I don't remember how it came about but J and I had words and I got spanked and I cried and cried and cried. I laid in bed and didn't want to do anything. I had the total, 'it's my party and I'll cry if I want to' attitude and I milked it for all it was worth. J canceled our plans to go out because he could see it was not the right time. He came and held me as I cried and he cried too. We made up and J and the kids sang to me over cupcakes after dinner. But we planned an un- birthday to make up for my real birthday.
So that is the whole story behind the un- birthday which I share to explain the disappointment of having this hiccup at check in this morning.
Sometimes I feel like J wants to take the easy way out when it comes to leadership. If the rule is a rule then admit it and even if you give me grace, let me know the damn rule still applies so I can go forward trying to follow it. It's not the grace that bothered me it's that he says it's a rule and then when I tell him I broke he asks me 'was what you ate gluten free?' (I have celiac disease). I told him yes. and he basically told me it wasn't an issue then. Ok, so I can take, "hun I'm gonna give you grace but you know the rule so don't do it again," but I can't take that it's a rule that applies sometimes but other times. That is damn confusing. It only shows me that he is choosing laziness so that he doesn't have to address the issue in some way.
He isn't like this all the time but for this issue he seems to get that way from time to time. There was a period that he didn't feel that this needed to be a rule for me because I was doing so well following my diet restrictions so he backed off on the rule. So I guess it's like he doesn't want to pick it up again, doesn't find it necessary. So I guess what I was asking this morning was 'is it a rule in your mind or is it not bc if not then I need to know.' I wasn't challenging him or trying to critique him really but he got so defensive that he wouldn't listen when I tried to explain... thus this post.
So there is the ugly side of ttwd. Honestly it feels good to get it out.
I love my husband and I know he loves me so no question there. This is just so hard when things don't go as they should, as they have been. We've had so much harmony since the holidays.
Anyhow, thanks in advance for reading. I will keep you updated on how things go when I post tomorrow.