Thursday, January 11, 2018

Reflecting on Our Roles

 I was talking with another DD wife recently (๐Ÿ˜‰) and we were discussing the benefit that we each glean from the boundaries given to us by our husbands. I mentioned that having boundaries makes me feel safe and protected. She replied that having boundaries gave her a reason to to do tasks for her husband and reap the benefit of his appreciation of it. I thought this was an interesting way to look at it.

I've been reading a book lately called The Resolution For Women. Maybe you've heard of it? Actually I've read it before but every once in a while I like to go back and reflect on it some more. There is a  section in the book that talks about the marital roles of leadership of the husband and submission of the wife. A line in the book reads, "Spouses (husbands) tend to live up to the standard in those they see around them..."

I thought about this. Doesn't that make the woman the leader? Isn't that backwards? It's basically suggesting that by myself (the submissive) submitting to my husbands standards it will in turn help him to follow them as well.

I thought about what I had talked about with the other wife. If the boundaries are there because they are J's (and my) wishes for our home- hopefully I would do them anyway- but by the thought process  specified in this book I am not just doing them for myself alone but for J. If my submission to J actually helps him to also live up to those standards and take on the role of leadership in the home I am actually helping him by being submissive to him. In turn I feel protected because I now have a reason to live within the boundaries besides simply the mere reason that "I would anyway."
And so perhaps this is why I feel protected by the boundaries that J sets forth? Because I now have someone besides myself to live within them for.J backs up those boundaries with his authority and also lives by those boundaries himself that way if I ever don't feel like I want to obey the guidelines, his authority is there to keep me where I need to be.

I am becoming aware that the role of the submissive carries far more influence and power than I thought. So I want to encourage other submissive wives...
 Don't think you have nothing to give. Your role is important and necessary! We help our men become leaders. They need our help to embrace their role and we are to be a help meet to them.

The line above goes on to say that spouses also tend to live up to the esteem they receive from their mate. Men need to be built up and encouraged, thanked and shown appreciation for what they do for us. It's a lot we ask of them! This lifestyle, therefore, is not just about our needs as submissives but about filling the deepest needs of our husbands as well. The man wants to be your hero. He wants to know you need him. There is nothing more humiliating to a mans masculinity than a woman cutting him down verbally.

It says submission is a decision to yield to an authority. So apparently my submission to J also is something that esteems him thus encouraging his leadership in that way. He in turn will live up to his calling and meet my need for leadership because I am esteeming his role with my encouragement, appreciation and my submission to his lead.

This is the value in the submitted woman. Her self- control to live within her role is what is beautiful. She is of value to her husband in the way that by living within her role (physically and emotionally) she encourages his growth as a leader.

The woman may be the "weaker" vessel physically but she is strong in spirit.

 There is a cyclical nature to what takes place within this type of a dynamic. Our gift is our spirit which encourages our husband to lead. Their gift in turn is their strength which encourages our submission. Our submission fuels their mind and strength and in turn their leadership feeds our heart and soul. They are the head of the home and we are the heart of the home. Harmony can be found when we gift each other with the beauty of the role we were intended to live within.


  1. Hi Jlynne, this is such a great post! Dominance and submission do feed of each other and it's also important to encourage, support and show appreciation for each other in our roles.


  2. You are one smart lady...and you got smarter a lot sooner than I did. It took me a while to realize...I should have read that book...that the more submissive I am...the more dominant he submission feeds his domination. And it is cyclical...that in turn feeds my submission...are you dizzy yet?? lol...
    hugs abby

  3. I have found that acceptance does play a huge part and has great influence. The more I accept His lead, the more He leads. He doesn't need me to..He is who He is..but we reach harmony a lot quicker when I have/do.

    1. He doesn't need me to..He is who He is..but we reach harmony a lot quicker when I have/do.

      So true, many men are dominant by nature. I believe it is un their nature/ makeup to lead. I also believe that because the pendulum has swung so far from one extreme to the other when it comes to equality that many men are intimidated and in some cases even taught (to some degree or another) not to be the lead of the family. I think many men have dropoed the ball on truly *being* the man of the home and women, we tend to do a hack job on them ifc they even try to lead.
      Quite frankly I rhink many men are intimidated by us and need our encouragement to embrace their own roles again.

  4. Good thought provoking post.

  5. I would 'imagine' the fellow Dd wife would also say she benefited from the boundaries because they too made her feel safe and secure. I'd also imagine that this- " I now have a reason to live within the boundaries besides simply the mere reason that "I would anyway."" could be what she was trying to express when she said she does them to please him (or whatever she said *wink*).

    While I wholeheartedly agree that Dominance and submission do feed each other- I also believe that if it isn't in the leading partner it isn't in the leading partner. That being said it can take a LONG friggin' time for some Dom's in the making to become Dom's due to past history,whatnot. So those submissives out there with needs, should always err on the side of caution and submit to the best of their ability at any given time ( let's face it none of us are perfect LOL).

    Once on the Dominance Train though, I do agree with Bleue- we reach harmony a lot sooner if I (bite my tongue-er I mean) submit to his lead- no matter how small it may seem at the time.

    I will add that submitting when I don't want to, or thanking him for something- especially when the thanks momentarily gets caught in my throat not only builds up his Dominance when he appears to be 'coasting' it also does wonders for my submission because I chose "US" over me.

    I will say I also agree with you on the submissives holding way more power than some believe. Power not control. What Dom/mme wants to fight their subs all the way, all the time? Who wants to lead when no one appears to be following? A sub can actually break the relationship faster than any 'lazy' Dom can. I'm not saying there isn't cause and effect of course, but a sub that polices a Dom is generally a good recipe for disaster on the horizon. (Trust me, I have a lot of miles under this Dd 'belt' LMAO).

    But in all honesty, the D/s relationship really isn't any different on the surface in many ways than any relationship should be (minus the D and S part). The world would be a much better place and we'd all have deeper connections everywhere if every one spent more time building each other up, than finding faults and flaws.

    Good on you for finding literature whether D/s related or not. I remember my first couple of years at this I read so much (and not talking blogs).


  6. Ha!
    I was hoping I hadn't misrepresented that which said wife was trying to express.
    So much food for thought willie, I will have to chew on this for a bit before officially responding. You always provide me with so much to ponder!

  7. Honestly willie, I'm finding myself a bit behind the eight ball here. When I wrote this blog I was still processing and trying to relate to what I was reading. I agree with what I said that men need our esteem and encouragement to embrace their role as leaders. But as to why I feel protected, honestly, it's because his boundaries make me feel safe from myself and my own insecurities. If I were a car driving on the highway I would view J as the guardrail that keeps me from going over the boundary limit on the road. Whether I am tired, or there is rain or snow or ice, that guard rail is there for my protection in case I lose control of my wheel. So when I said that the boundaries maybe made me feel safe because I was doing them for J, I think I was trying to relate to that thought process but I don't know that it was accurate for me.
    I definitely agree that my decision to submit to J helps us to reach harmony faster as well. No doubt about that one! If I am defiant and ill- tempered toward him it makes his job of leading me much harder. I also agree that a submissive can break the relationship by exhibiting these characteristics (been there) because trust needs to go both ways. We need to feed into each other. A relationship can't be one sided if it is going to last.
    I like how you said by choosing to submit ( or bite your tongue, lol) you are choosing to be for Us rather than just yourself!
    I also agree that a D/s relationship is really like any other in most ways. The foundation of is it actually healthier than most IMHO.
    As always, thank you for making me think!

  8. I will say too that following the rules because I know J will be proud of me (thus doing it for him) is a BIG motivator for me. I need his esteem as well to embrace my submission towards him.

  9. I think I don't understand why you feel behind the eight ball...

    I can tell you I feel protected by the boundaries for many reasons. One is because I feel seen. I don't feel like wallpaper. My husband's decision that I should eat breakfast by a certain time- regardless if it started because I was dieting a million years ago and started AT ONE POINT to eat breakfast period, means he's noticing. If he says he wants me to clean the baseboards today, that means once upon a time he noticed me doing them. Things I am not so sure I believed he did notice- though he was always quick to point out, " The house looks great".

    For me, and because of who I am re history, whatnot, being seen (and again it wasn't that Barney wan't ever appreciative but ttwd is an expression of a way *I* see) is the biggest motivator of all.

    Does that make sense, because I have had wine? lol

  10. Oh I get it. Him holding you accountable and "noticcing" what you do means he is looking out for you, therefore you feel protected.His guidance is proactive and you know that he's got you.
    I'm sure we all find security from this lifestyle in our own way. Whatever it is that we need from this, getting those needs met causes security to blossom in us.
    I get you,๐Ÿ˜Š