I'm sitting here now in my living room with the window open, listening to the birds chirping away in the tree outside. It is so peaceful and lovely. I have my extra large mug with the fairies on it that J bought me and it's full of black coffee and a couple of my kids are up and around the house quietly. The baby sleeps, her first night of sleeping without waking at all and I feel rested and energised. I've had my quiet time with my book and now I sit and meditate on things while I drink my coffee and get ready to start my day.
J and I have been practicing our dynamic now for almost 2 years and as we get closer to our D/s anniversary (July 8) I find myself pondering more. Things between us are much different than they were when we first began all this. We are closer and stronger as a couple now then we were years ago and we are equally growing in our respective roles. We have many more periods of harmony then discord these days as we've grown in tune with each other.
I think back to how things have changed since we embraced this journey together. That first year in was a period of confession and change for us. I brought my desires to him. I wanted to learn to submit to him and I wanted him to lead me. I didn't want to rely on myself anymore. He agreed to embrace this with me but it was for my need more then his own.
The second year he began to notice how this dynamic fulfilled needs that he has as well. He 'needs' to lead, he 'needs' to provide for and protect his family. He needs to be the man in his home. The Dominant that we now see was in him all along came out like never before as he began to own his role. It is no longer for my need alone. I can't even begin to put into words how that feels. Maybe a post for another day...
We do still face challenges although they have changed significantly over time. In the beginning as we were starting out and still learning the 'how to' of our roles I think the struggle was just in taking it seriously. There were the broken rules just to see what he would do... Would he punish me? There were the nervous chuckles before a spanking (the tears came later). Sometimes there was anger. How could she have done that again. Does she even take me seriously? There were arguments at times. You're not Doming me right! Well you're not submitting right!
It sounds so 'newlywed' now that I think about it. We don't face those same challenges now.
The biggest challenge I find lately is that there are times when I don't 'feel' submissive. I'm not even sure what causes these ruts- well that's not altogether true. They do seem to occur mostly when I am hormonal or stressed for whatever reason. Before I always wanted to be submissive, I just wasn't that good at it. Now I am his submissive. I've grown comfortable and well- I even take it for granted sometimes. I get so comfortable that I want to take a break from it all- like a short vacation so I can 'do what I want without having to listen to him.' Like a kid eating candy for dinner- not healthy but I just wanna not have to listen once in a while. I know it's there now and it isn't going to go away. We get each other. I am secure in us. Ultimately, this challenge speaks to the security we have cultivated within our roles and it is a good sign.
You see, we've gotten so acquainted with our roles that I think they have just become who we are. We are comfortable in them now. They are no longer what we do but who we are within our relationship. J's pleasure with me has become much more important to me then what anyone else thinks of me. My family is much more important to me then any circle of friends- though I do care for others. My identity is in my family and my home now. If I've made him proud then I'm doing my duty as his submissive and I know I'm also being true to myself because he is proud of me when I am true to myself and I put what matters first- my family.
Similarly as I struggle at times with the submissiveness "vaca" I feel there are times when J kind of takes a backseat to Dominating. This seems to happen when I've had a long good streak as his submissive. I haven't challenged his authority in any way. I haven't broken any major rules. Being my Dom is fun and easy and we are experiencing harmony. He still Doms me but the ways he does so are hot and sexy and we flirt, giggle, and tease each other often.
It's times like this I see the human side of J and not just "my Dom". He is my friend and lover and my Dominant all rolled into one.
These moments are what we strive for, that long stretch of harmony and being in sync with each other, however we have found that Dominance must always be just behind it ready to take over from 0 to 60 because eventually something will come up to challenge our blissful streak.
When the need for his Dominance is caused by my insubordination sometimes he grants me grace if I've done well lately. He doesn't want to be harsh with me. At the time I tend to feel grateful for his grace although I would accept the consequence for my actions if that is what he chose. We carry on and I try to do better but there's a catch to being given grace- sometimes, although I don't mean to take advantage- I find myself spiral and continue in my negative pattern until we're back where we started and I'm facing a consequence once again. He is concerned for me and I am frustrated and feel like a failure as a submissive. After all you can't lead someone who won't follow. My continuous blunders in the moment cause me to feel like I just can't get it right. I feel like a failure because I am unable to give my husband the gift of my submission . It is not his job to make me submit to him- it is only his job to encourage it and lead me appropriately. I have to chose to actually follow him - and I am not doing my part.
At this point I realize the punishment he withheld would actually have been a a grace because it would have helped to set me back on the right course. When he punishes me he means business. It hurts and brings me to tears when most severe and I don't enjoy it- but it helps me. He is not angry, it is all done calmly and in love and I receive it with acceptance and not hesitation or defiance.
It took some time for him to understand that it is more loving to "help me" reset myself in those moments then to let me carry on a loose canon.
Seeing how we've grown excites me. I think on where we will be another year from now- what we will have mastered, what new discoveries we will make, what new challenges we will face. I see where we were, where we are, and where we are going.
I am excited for our anniversary- J has arranged for us to go away for that weekend- and we have some things planned.
Well, I have 4 minutes before I need to meet J for our morning check in so it's time to end this post and finish the remaining coffee in my cup. I hope you all have a great day and will be visiting around blogland soon. Time to go see my man!