Monday, April 9, 2018
I wasn't going to blog until after I return (I will be traveling this week) but I decided to anyway. My post today doesn't really have anything to do with marital dynamics per se, but in some ways perhaps the two connect.
Certain times of the year get to me for various reasons and this is one of those times.
There are certain moments that are forever etched in my memory...
I remember hearing about the Oklahoma City Bombing. I remember being very deeply affected by the image of the firefighter holding the body of one of the babies that had died. I remember seeing a photo of that same baby from her birthday only a day before that tragedy and feeling the loss of her mother to have lost such a beautiful child and I was only the tender age of 15. One of my daughters names is very close to that baby's and I thought of her when it came time to choose her name.
I remember where I was when I heard about Columbine and also 9/11. I was horrified as I listened to the news footage. It was at that time in my life (after 9/11) that I stopped following the news- because it affected me so deeply.
Several years ago when my son was in pre-k there was a shooting at an elementary school not far from where we live. My oldest child was at school when it happened, my tot was at home with me and I was pregnant with my third child.
The photographs haunted me, the news reports were too much. It was the hardest thing to continue allowing my son to attend school because I wanted my children in my view at all times. Nothing would happen to them on my watch.
I remember taking him for his kindergarten readiness exam the spring before he was to transfer from pre-k and questioning the staff about their security protocols. I was a very anxious mama and ready to take up patrol outside the school myself to keep my little boy safe.
Shortly after this happened, there was another tragedy at a local marathon. My husband grew up close to the area where it happened and we had family and friends nearby. People from our church were running in that marathon- friends of ours. I remember reaching out to everyone to make sure they were all safe. A friend of ours that lived there had luckily been away on a trip with her husband and four kids at the time it all occurred. One of the ladies running from our church told me about how frightening it was when the it all took place. I remember reading about a family who had not only lost their little boy but their daughter had lost a leg and the mother had suffered a head injury. My heart went out to them and again, as always, I saw the faces of my children in the faces of those lost and hurt.
I don't understand hate. I don't understand how a person could be so cold or hurtful to another person.
I do understand boundaries- necessary ones. I have them myself and I know sometimes for our own good and health, they are needed. But to hate- to hurt people- this I cannot wrap my brain around.
I've always been a person prone to anxiety. I think that my natural tendency to be anxious causes me to not deal well with these types of things. I see the people who go through these horrible experiences come out of it and go on and courageously share their stories and continue to love on others. I don't think I could handle that kind of loss with the same grace.
I don't know but maybe 'adulting' has made anxiety worse for me. There is far too much in reality that I wish none of us ever were witness to. There is far too much to shield my children from. I think for some of us maybe that's one of the ways our dynamics help with this kind of anxiety- we feel safe. When our husbands take the lead and protect us the way they do it comforts us the way we comfort those in our care and we can find a little rest in the sense of security that they bring.
So I just wanted to say that I'm remembering those that have been affected. I know there are countless tragedies, some much more recent, all very prevalent and worthy of mention. Although we are a vast people I like to think of us standing together against hate. There is just so much of it and so many forms of it- my wish is for solidarity and peace.
To those that have lost someone they love, to those that have lost their peace of mind, to those that have lost a limb or a part of themselves because of hate and terror, to those who suffer anxiety or panic attacks as a result of what they have gone through- my thoughts, affirmations, and love are with you.